so, three days into the semester and I already hate it.

well, technically I hated it on day one, but whatev.

in all honesty, I've always really liked school. {yes I'm a nerd, I know.} but this year, as I was sitting in one of my classes on Monday, I just kept thinking, "I hate this. I don't want to learn anymore. can't I just be done with school??"


which is, obviously, a terrible way to feel on the first day back. but I've since speculated that Spring term burnt me out. Summer just wasn't long enough for me, I guess.




...but I really shouldn't complain. the boyf has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more going on in his class schedule than I will EVER have, now that he's in his junior core. and I totally feel badly every time I complain. he just patiently listens to me mope and whine, while he secretly has about a zillion and twelve other  more important things he should be doing.

I'm seriously so lucky.
in happier news, I'm going home this weekend!! totally random, right?? I know, I keep forgetting, too. my dear friend Derik, who recently returned from a mission in New Zealand, is trekking home for the long weekend. I forget his real reason for going; I just know I'm along for the ride. Heidibear or KennaJane may be coming with, but Heidi is really sick now so she may be out. and Kenna never decides anything till like the day before. plus she may have work.

I'm a lil sad about missing the first home football game of the season and my reunion with my FOL children & husband, but now that BYU's going independent next year, I've got that too look forward to now.

:)



PS: my posts from now on will prolly be pretty scattered for the next, um, two semesters. ha. sorry Charlie. like I said, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Sorry it's been a long while since I last posted.

Let me just vent for a minute.

First, it's snowing like crazy outside. And it's mid-March. I hate life. And bipolar Utah weather.

Wednesday my parents called saying my bank had called and detected some unusual activity, right as I was on my way on a date to Divine Comedy's tech show with some friends. I was on hold for like 15 minutes before I gave up and decided I'd call them after the show. When I did call, I cancelled my debit card and found out someone in South Carolina had used my card and spent over $1300 at a Walmart!!! First of all, c'mon people, if you're going to steal someone's card, use it some place exciting!! Walmart SUCKS. So that was awesome. And it was my debit card so they were definitely stealing my money. Good news was they stopped it before they took, you know, all my money. Thanks guys. I got a new card the next day and the $1300 was credited to my account yesterday. Still, a really sucky hassle to deal with.


This morning, I found out I didn't get the job up at Aspen Grove. So now I get to plan out my entire summer, and I haven't even started thinking about it. Yikes. Hi Provo, I hate you lots and I don't want to be here this Spring/Summer.
Good things about today. My friend CJ came over to give me some, uhh, slightly illegally downloaded movies. I got Princess and the Frog, The Blind Side, A Beautiful Mind (which I've never seen), and Monsters vs. Aliens. Then we went to Cocoa Bean where I got a deeeeelishous cupcake and hot chocolate and saw my etiquette teacher there!!! I felt like I was with a celebrity.

And tonight I'm going to a surprise birthday party for one of the guys in our ward. Hopefully the rest of my night will be better tonight.

Happy 2010!! 


It's really odd to think about the beginning of last decade, 2000, with everyone freaking out about Y2K & exploding technology & stuff. Also I was 9. Weeeeeeeird.

But now my birthday is in 6 days. 6 more days of being a teenager. Well, I've technically been an adult for 2 years, but I'll be out of my "teens" anyways.

Except I went to the dermatologist the other day, & she said that people normally don't grow out of acne till they're 25! I canNOT wait another 5 years to get rid of this stuff. Not that it's horrific, just obnoxious. I'm so ready to be 25 now.

So my New Years Eve. Was weird to say the least. I spent the majority of the day with Sam, my last ex from high school. He had texted me right as I was driving out of Bako after Thanksgiving, asking if I wanted to hang out. Bad timing fo sho. But I said we'd do something over Christmas... So we did. Yesterday we went out to breakfast at Bagels & Blenders, saw that new movie Avatar, & hung out at his friend Javi's New Years Eve party.

I was seriously concerned about the whole event, but it actually turned out really well. It was odd at first, seeing him again after what? like a year and a half, but he looked exactly the same {good or bad, take it how you want}. It was hard to find things to talk about, but after a few minutes talking came easy again. It was good to chat with him, & see how he's doing, but I could tell that he's really lonely. He said, and I quote {or at least, sort of word for word}, "I don't really do much during the week & on weekends I go down to Castaic. It's pretty boring." I don't understand how you can be bored in college! That seems like an oxymoron to me. But staying in Bako after high school is a hard thing to do, especially if you're not in to the whole drugs & alcohol scene. He doesn't have a whole lot of friends either. Not good ones anyways. And he even said that, not me. His friends have always been flaky, & I think he's just now starting to see that. But he's a little too passive to do anything about it slash find any new friends. Not that there are very many to be found in Bako. You either hang out with people from high school {yuck} or find new friends that went to other high schools in Bako & are still living here {mostly druggies & drunks}{double yuck}. Most of the people that stay in Bakersfield have a problem. I think most of them are just homebodies though. Which is sad.

Bagels was splendid as usual. And Avatar was actually really good! I was surprised, because I initially had NO intention of even going to see this movie, the blue people/sci-fi/environmentalist junk kind of turned me off to it, but Sam insisted that I see it. He'd already seen it before, but it was that good he wanted to see it again. Or maybe he just went to force me to go. Either way, it was a good flick. I would recommend it to anyone. The theater we went to is the newest one in town, really clean & classy & huge! And the chairs reclined! Totally brill & wonderful for napping &/or movie watching. Not so wonderful for friendly chats 45 minutes before the movie started because we got there waaaaay too early. But we managed.

But at the New Years Party, the only reason I went was because Sam invited me. And I had absolutely nothing to do for New Years. 

I hate parties.

When I got there, they were playing Strip Poker {mmm goodyyyy...} & one girl I didn't know was down to her shirt {no bra, mind you} & undies. It ended shortly after that, thank goodness, but that girl seemed like kind of a slut anyways. Yes I'm judging, what else was I sposed to do?! My friend Jen Whitty was there too, & I hadn't seen her all break, so it was good to see her, even if she was borderline drunk.

Sam's stepbrothers were there too. I had a pleasant chat with the younger one as we both couldn't get cell service in the house & had to go outside to text. It was actually pretty funny. But while everyone else was drinking, playing beer pong or Twister, smoking weed {thank you California...}, hooking up with other people, I would sit on the couch. Most of the time Sam joined me. It was really nice not to be alone in that awful awkward situation. I hope he felt the same way. But I didn't want to go home because there were a bunch of grownups playing games at my house. As much as my mom said I was welcome to stay home with them for New Years, I would have felt even more out of place there.

With about 30 minutes to midnight, my friends Kjrstin & Theresa showed up from another party. KJ is a crazy party fiend, so I knew I wouldn't see much of her for the rest of the night, but Theresa is very much a non-partier like me so it was good to have her too. But she's really good at ignoring the fact that there's alcohol people are drunk, I'm not. She's around it more at Fresno State though I guess. So she was hanging out with the drunkies a lot more. By 11:45, we had a good group from high school, KJ, Theresa, me, Jennifer, Sara, Javi, Sam, Sam's stepbrother, & Sam's friend Vinny, that weren't too wasted {except Vinny was totally gone, we just talked to him because he was hilarious} & we had a good chat. The countdown itself was full of expletives & crudeness... Whatever, the whole party was. At midnight, more expletives were shouted & the make-outs began. I think Vinny made out with every girl at the party within 5 minutes after midnight, minus Theresa & I. I thought I saw him kissing some dude too.  Theresa & I just kept nervously laughing at everything. The mystery slut girl, the one who was bra-less in poker, was like beyond drunk. She tried to kiss Sam's very underaged stepbrother at one point & everyone at the party suddenly freaked out & stopped her. That was probably my favorite part of the night. But the weirdest part was at midnight, Sam & I both looked at each other from across the kitchen. If there hadn't been crazy make-outs going on between us, I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me. And I might have kissed him back. Because, I'm sorry, everyone wants a New Years' kiss. I've had two boyfriends, and one, uh, Winter break hookup, and I've never had a New Years' kiss. But I told myself, before we even went on our, uh, date? that day to the movie, that I would not, under any circumstances, kiss him. I just don't need that kind of drama in my life, and neither does he. He doesn't need to be dreaming about a girl going to school 500 miles away while he's bored out of his mind in Bako. Because I know he will. And it will suck for both of us.

I left about 20 minutes after midnight. I hugged all my friends goodbye & walked out the back door. When I got out there, I saw Sam had gone through the front door to answer a call & was standing near my car. By the time I got to my car, he had finished his call {ehhhh tricky tricky tricky...}. He hugged me again, but lingered this time in like a half-hug, just looking down at my face. Pretty sure he wanted to kiss me then too. {And if I seem a little overconfident about all these potential kissing situations, I'm not. I dated the dude for nine months, I think I'm allowed to know some of these things.} He said we should hang out again before I left, but if he didn't see me again, he wished me good luck at school. I said I'd see what I was doing over the next two days and maybe give him a call. But in all honesty, Brayden's getting baptized on Saturday, I still have to pack & clean my house for our extended family, & see about 40 other friends before I leave. Although it was nice to see him again and I knew I probly should give him a call, it just wasn't going to happen.

... But he left his jacket in my truck. Plan to force me to see him again? I think so.

So this weekend was fabuloso. {I know its Wednesday now, sorry it took me forever to post about it} Seriously. So good.

Friday was boring. The end.
Saturday I went to Divine Comedy with Chantelly. Holy canoli, it was good. We got a ridiculous amount of Glo Sticks. And they're STILL glowing. Go DC. The show wasn't as good as the "Best Of" Show last Winter, but still great. They did have new people this time. And sick people. So those are my excuses for it not being as good.

Sunday we had Ward Conference. And I fell asleep during part of Sacrament Meeting {whoopsie}, but Alyssa and I were in the Ward Choir and we sang "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus". The best part of that was our FHE Papa-Bear Justin was sitting in the front row, looking like an excited little puppy dog, practically drooling over us, smiling so largely and loving every minute of our performance. People like that make me so incredibly happy.
 Oh, bad part of Sunday, it looks like my friend the foreigner has a new gf. Yeah... Yuck. And they don't even fit together. She's like old and graduated and already has a career. And he's, um, not? Anyway, they're just plain icky together. 
But after church, I came home and made the darlingest shortbread cookies for this Sugar&Spice Dessert Party that my friend Lauren hosted that night. Seriously. If there was a pastry prize for being cute, these cookies would have won by a landslide. At the party, I met tons of cool people. Sorta felt like being with the Aristocracy of BYU because it was *holds up pinky finger* in a Condo, South of campus. But they were like, ridiculously friendly aristocracy {an oxymoron, no?} But there was one guy in particular who was super cool... {didn't you see it coming? of course, it's always about a guy!}
His name was Jordan who just got off a mission in Louisiana {but he didn't serve in Kelsey's ward, I asked} and is living like two apartment complexes away from me. He's 6'5" (which I totally didn't believe till I made him stand up. Then I believed) so that makes him easily the tallest man I've ever seen. He's annoyed with the people in his ward and wants to branch out and hang with other people that don't live in his complex {oh. you mean, like "muah" for instance?!} And he likes chick flicks, but hasn't seen many. The Notebook or A Walk to Remember included. {thinking in my brain... Potential Dates #2 and #4}. He loves basketball and my shortbread cookies and I guess he used to have long hair (kind of Sam-esque, right? I know, I'm being wary don't worry). His dad was the mish pres in Washington somewhere so he spent 3 of his 4 high school years there. He did drama a lot in high school and is thinking about majoring in Comms or Information Systems. He saw the Proposal last week and was shocked that I hadn't seen it or Dan in Real Life {PDs #3 and #5}. He knows my friend Corin from Hanford {they're in the same FHE}. And he said he would take me to the Cornbelly's Corn Maze this week {PD #1} because, being from Utah, he couldn't believe that I hadn't been to that either. He also drove me home because I needed a ride and he lived so close. And we're friends on Fakebook as of yesterday. 

But yesterday I texted him asking when we were gonna go the Corn Maze.
Here's our textersation
J: Yeah, I hate to be the pooper but this week isn't gonna work, but the weekend may.
H: Oh ok. That's alright. I'm actually kinda relieved, my week is insane.
{that is a LIE. yes my week is insane, but I was really looking forward to this...}
J: Here is to insane weeks, cheers
H: Haha thanks you too!
J: Well I hope your week goes extremely well. Got alot of tests?
RED FLAG! I hate when people can't spell "a. lot.". It's 2 words. Not that difficult.
H: Well just one test, but two papers and I'm coming down with something. Probably a cold.
J: What?! That sucks, I have to read alot {grrrrr....} and start to get ready for tests in two weeks cause they will stink
H: Eew. I'm so sorry. Psh. School is ridiculous. I'm actually thinkin of running away from it soon. You wanna come?
J: I may be in that idea after the semester
H: Oh see I was thinking like next week :P
J: Sorry, won't be able to do that. Gotta truck on for a bit longer.
I don't think he understood the flirtatious nature of the ":P" face...
H: Oh boo. Good for you. Way to be motivated.
J: You could be too
H: Maybe. But do I really want to be is the real question...
J: Oh come on. It might be fun once you are over the flu  
I said I had a cold... ??
H: We'll see... Anyway good luck with your crazy week!
J: Word. Have a good night!

The last text was me basically giving up on this boy. I feel like he might just be a flake maybe... but he did say we might go this weekend.... Ugh. Your thoughts?

Song of the Day: I'm hooked on The Script again. They have an older, unreleased song called "Live Like We're Dying" that has become Kris Allen's newest single. But I like The Script version better. :)

So first things first.

Josh. My Joshy-Poo got his mission call. To Accra, Ghana!!!!! In Africa!!! Wooooooooooooohooooooooooooooo!!!!!
I seriously almost crashed my car when he told me. Yes I was illegally talking on my phone when he called. Seriously. I was shaking and crying after I got of the phone with him, I was so excited.

Call me pathetic I know, but it happened. And I still think it's amazing.

Second. This guy and girl that I've known for a while got engaged last night. Yes, I know that's not that strange. But let me explain the weirdness.

So the groom- his little sister dated this guy WAAAAAY too old for her. Anyway, that guy's brother dated this girl, who's older sister is the bride. So the groom is marrying his little sister's exboyfriend's brother's exgirlfriend's sister.
Ugh. Here's a visual.
Groom-->Little Sister-->boyfriend-->brother-->girlfriend-->older sister-->bride
And the in-between families kind of don't like each other. Well, some of the kids don't.

In other words, Bakersfield is too small.

But tomorrow starts another week off. And I'm starting a new adventure.
I need something to match my old prom shoes because they, um, don't match anything. So my mom's helping me start on a skirt. We're getting the fabric and the pattern tomorrow. Let's see if I can get it done in six days.

OH!! And this Wednesday is The Fray concert!! I announced it today in Good News Minute and no one really cared lol. But who cares I'm excited for it and that's all that matters. :)

So today was the day that I lost a friend/more than friend to the crazy institution known as marriage. Well, engagement, but it's the same thing in my book.
SERIOUSLY?!?!? Wow. I'm only mildly upset right now I promise. But really!??! He was really cute!!
And I highly doubt he's ever going to read this so I'm just gonna spill my guts now. :)

I should have known that he was just a total flirt. With everyone. Which includes me AND his new fiancee (GROSS!). I should have known. Pretty sure Eliesa warned me about this. Or if she didn't verbally, I think she was trying to get that across. JUST like his brother. Except for the engaged part.
So story of this boy- and it might sound totally lame, but just put yourself in my position. This guy is REALLY cute!
But he's an RM. Which I found a little awkward at first. But then I saw just how attractive he was and gave up caring. So, back in like February, I went to go hang out with some girls from my hall, and one thing led to another and we ended up playing Apples to Apples at his apartment. With just him. And five other girls. AWKWARD to say the least... Or so I thought. One night shortly after, he invited me to come play cards with him in his lobby. When I walked down the stairs out the front door, all of my roommates were out in my lobby, looking utterly confused and stunned that I was hanging out with this guy. They didn't even know that we knew each other! But by this time, we really didn't. It was random for me too. Then Speed eventually turned in to "let's see how many of the Star Wars cards characters we can identify". I totally failed, but he knew almost all of them. Then like 8 other people ended up coming out and we just hung out until curfew. I got back and we discussed how TOTALLY random that was, but after that he kept talking to me on Facebook and saying things like, "We should hang out sometime" or "We should get something fun going this weekend". Translation now: He was incredibly bored and knew I was sort of a socialite. He used me to get others together, so HE could have something to do on the weekends other than video games. That next weekend, we went cosmic bowling with a group of like 10 people. It was SO much fun, especially considering I basically just hung out with him that whole night. And we went Uno Bowling (the equivalent of bowling crazy different ways, like upside down, left handed (or right handed if you were left-handed), doing a tour jete & chucking the ball, bounce passing the ball and almost breaking the lane, throwing the bowling ball down the lane while either on someone's back or with someone else on your back, rolling into the bowling ball, slide tackling the ball, etc.) So we just started hanging out a lot. And texting or talking over Facebook. After a few days of joking around, I went over to his apartment to play Mario Cart because I'd never played before. That became an almost every night thing. And even after all of that, I still sucked at it. So we literally would hang out like every day, either watching a movie or playing cards or video games. Towards the end of the semester, I ended up going with him to this presentation he was doing for his grandparents and their friends of his mission. It was the funniest/most memorable audience I've ever seen!! They were so cute and elderly and SO senial. Like this one lady was so stuck on the fact that there were gypsies there, she just wanted to know all about them! I laughed about it for days after.
So just random things like that. We went cosmic bowling again. We watched movies and played Mario Cart. I interviewed him for my anthropology paper. We went to a free showing of Divine Comedy. Translation now: All of this stuff we did was either free or through me. Bowling the second time was free. Divine Comedy was free because I'm in BYUSA. Or things that he loved to do, I just conveniently happened to like him, so he'd drag me into them. Like Mario Cart. Or watching Gladiator (blahhhh terrible movie). Or ME making HIM chicken noodle soup while we watched Prince Caspian.
We also went to this totally lame dance party that I paid for him to go to. But he drove so that made up for a small portion of it.... NOT.
So we went our separate ways after the semester ended. But we were still like texting and emailing and such. Like he texted me while he was driving to California (he's working up north this summer) and he wouldn't tell me his middle name, so when he finally did, he said I owed him a dinner date in the fall. THAT WAS LIKE 3 WEEKS AGO. And now the kid is ENGAGED?!!!???!?!??!?!?
Please, if that makes any sense to anyone, let me know. I'd love to know his logic.

Song of the Day: Breakeven by The Script. As usual. I probably won't get off them for a while. At least, not till the concert tomorrow night. :)

lol This post wasn't even about marriage. It was just about memories my idiot/jerk friend who is GETTING married. But I'm promising right now, after this post I will not write about him ever again. Humph. Take that.

And if for whatever reason the wedding is called off, or it's a fake (which I could totally see him doing), I will erase this post.

4/21/09
Today was the beginning of the end. Josh and MB left today. They were two of my very best friends. And I may never see them again. Warren, Heidi, Kenna, and MC are all leaving tomorrow as well, but I’ll see them around next year. But we went to say goodbye to MatthewBean as his mom and brother helped him pack up some final things and clean the house. I started crying. I kind of thought I might, but I was sort of surprised too. And then after he left Aaron and Josh were pseudo-crying because MatthewBean was gone. Except I felt like they were making fun of me for really crying, but they probably didn’t even know I was. And then JoshWallace came over because Kenna was going to cook his halibut for him. After he’d been there a while he asked, “Hey Haley did you say goodbye to Josh?” I panicked. H and I ran over to their apartment while I texted him to see if he’d left yet. JW said that when he left the apartment, Jacque was just doing his cleaning check so he could leave. I finally got a reply.
Josh- 6:27pm “Yeah sorry Haley”
I didn’t reply.
Josh-6:30pm “Are you mad at me?” Because he knows I always text back.
Haley-6:39pm “A little bit. I’m sure you were in a hurry. I’m just sad more than anything.” Biggest lie EVER I was furiously upset
Josh- 6:40pm “I’m sorry Haley. ☹ Maybe I’ll be able to visit sometime.” The second biggest lie ever. I would bet on my life that he won’t even consider coming to visit me.
I didn’t reply.
I just had to sit in my closet and cry. For almost 2 hours. I texted Ross too and told him that he had better not leave without saying goodbye to me. I kind of told him my situation, but sympathy and accurate story telling are hard through texting.
But I can’t remember the last time I cried that hard. Maybe when my parents told me we were moving to Hanford? Or at least at some point during the Hanford experience. Maybe not even then though. I didn’t even cry this much when my grandpa died. This was like intense sobbing. And I couldn’t make it stop. And I looked disgusting.
When Warren came over to say his goodbyes because he’s leaving early tomorrow morning, I had to walk away because I lost it again. Uncontrollable sobbing. But K came and hugged me and that helped.
But seriously. Worst. Day. Ever.
I can’t imagine BYU without these boys.
I’m probably over exaggerating at the moment, but it’s so much easier than facing the truth. I want to live in my past. I want to live my Freshman year again.
Theme songs:
“Why Do All Good Things Come to an End” by Nelly Furtado. Not a good song to prevent crying though.
“If Today Was Your Last Day” by Nickelback. It has my favorite Robert Frost quote in it. The one about taking the road less travelled by. And it talks about leaving your fears behind. Saying goodbye to yesterday and live each moment like it’s your last, but loving your memories.

Oh wait, that's everyday of my life.

Okay, so my life is going pretty great. Except for one thing in particular. It's not even a big deal, it's just SUPER annoying.
So here is my version of "If I Were a Boy" by the one and only Beyonce (no, Jaime, not your bunny rabbit).

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning,
Throw on what I wanted and go.

Work out at the gym
And avoid every girl
I would play basketball all day
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause I'd kill if you did.

If I were a boy
I think I could read the signs
When a girl is obviously smitten,
I'd be lots less oblivious.

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you try your very hardest
To be a potential gf...
And everything you do is in vain.

It's a little too late for us to go out.
Say it's just a mistake
Think I would date you like that
If you thought I would wait for you,
You thought wrong.

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
What it means to read her signals
Someday you wish you were less of an idiot!

You don't listen to her.
You don't care how it hurts.
Until you try your very hardest
To be a potential bf...
And everything you do is in vain.
But you're just a boy.

So Sunday night, I deleted someone's phone number. Yes, I never EVER thought I would resort to it, but I did.
It wasn't like I was mad or angry or frustrated with them, I was more upset at mySELF for still talking to them when I knew I shouldn't or I knew he wouldn't want me to.
Yes, he
Of course it was a boy, why else would I do it?!
So he's a really cute boy. And he'll go nameless for a while. C, don't you DARE comment on this. (AKA C knows everything about this already. Actually, all my roommates do) But I felt like I was being totally and absolutely annoying about everything. Like he didn't really want to talk to me. Which he probably didn't (and still maybe doesn't) but he's too nice not to. I got my hopes up for this boy and now, when he goes on dates with other girls, I get sad?! Who do I think I am?! Seriously. We were nothing. I'm probably still nothing to him. Maybe no more than a friend. Maybe not even that. Who knows. Who cares. Not him.

And here I am. Sitting in the library. With him.
What. The. Heck. Am. I. Doing.
Obviously he's not reading this post.

But C helped me do it. She went through my call list and my outbox (something I unintentionally forgot to do) and deleted him from there as well. Smart move C.

and then it happened.
He texted me this afternoon.
And now I'm sitting here. In the library. While he's writing a paper and I'm writing a paper and neither of us is talking even though we're in the No-Shh Zone.
Stu.Pid. Me.
I hate this.
How do you fall out of "like", MB?
Because I would really truly love to know.

Theme soooooooooooong!
Basically anything by Journey. C and I have been joking lately that Journey is taking over Siberia. We've seriously had an obsession.
Or "For Me This is Heaven" by Jimmy Eat World. Not appropriate in any way shape or form.
I am raaaaaaaaaaaambling.
Lo siento.

The worst part of this whole experience is disappointment. And change. The combination of the two is just murder.
Great way to start out the semester, huh? Psh. Yeah.

I think..... I think I'm really good at not crying when it's really important to me. For example- I didn't cry at all when James broke up with me. Which is weird because that was by far the saddest I ever was in high school. Now, the saddest thing that's happened to me in college and I didn't shed one tear. Kind of annoying if you ask me. I just didn't think about it. At all. Which simply can't be healthy. I think if I sat down and really thought about everything going on in my life right now, I would probably cry for days. But I'm just physically not letting myself do it. Which makes me want to cry even more.

I told my friend the other day, I feel like everything I built up last semester, certain friendships, skills, studying habits, eating habits, everything is just falling apart around me. And I miss it like CRAAAAZY. I just want things to go back to the way they were last semester. Life was beyond perfect- and I took it for granted. Totally didn't know how good I had it. And now it STINKS.

I can't think of one part of my life that isn't confusing right now. Mmmmm.... actually, that's a lie. My testimony, the church, my calling, those kinda things. And C. She's always there. I couldn't imagine her not being there. Thank goodness I have a constant in my life. Otherwise I might go crazy. Or die like Desmond almost did and Charlotte's going to. lol "Lost" reference...

Just remind me every once in a while that change isn't such a bad thing. Last night I had a fabulous time hanging out with totally new people. As much as I sometimes refuse to believe it, there are new boys in my life. Incredibly attractive ones at that. I had an intense convo with E about marriage and dating and funny things like that. We have a new president. I eat... salad? Change won't kill me, and I forget that

But some things have changed for the worse- that can't be denied. Friends I never thought I'd part with are basically nonexistant in my life now. Friends I thought I wouldn't see for a long time suddenly jumped back in to my life and made things SO complicated. But that's not really such a bad thing either, I just wish the situation were different... Like I wish he were here. I desperately wish he were here. But that's just not possible.

I keep thinking about Rafiki in Lion King. "It doesn't matter, it's in the past!... Aaah yes, de past can hurt, but you can either run from it, or, learn from it!" I think that's what I need to do, not run from this, or, I guess, run back to it and try to desperately hold on to what I had, but learn from this. Move on, and love life just the same as before. At least, pretend I do. Ha. Pretend. My biggest weakness. I STINK at pretending. But for the sake of this blog, I will try. Very... very hard.

Theme song- Heartbreak World by Matt Nathanson :)