So I've been thinking lately.
Actually I've been thinking about this for a while now. Ever since, eh, middle of last semester.

PR has done strange things to me.

Kind of like that song from Toy Story about the "Strange Things are Happenin' to Me" when Andy's room gets taken over by Buzz Lightyear stuff and replaces all the Woody Western-cowboy paraphernalia. That's how I've felt.

Since taking my PR and Comms classes, I've become sort of an introvert. I hang out with all these crazy social people and I just sit back and watch everything happen. Whereas last year I would have gone way out of my way to talk to anyone and everyone who looked even remotely fun. But this year is a totally different story. And I hate it. I wish I was the fun-loving awesome person I was last year.

And all of these crazy social people are stretched soooooooooo ridiculously thin it's kind of sickening. Like, all the people I know in the PR program, all the really prominent ones anyways, all the ones that are going to get the fabulous internships are
1) on the Executive Board of PRSSA
2) at least working in the Bradley Lab if they're not Account Managers too
3) full- or part-time interns
4) work in BYUSA, usually as Executive Directors
5) involved in approximately 87 other PR related things like newsletters or National Conference or National level PRSSA junk.
6) full-time students
7) {mostly} have some sort of employment

And I will never do all of those things at one time.

I struggled enough trying to balance school and PRSSA and being {halfway} involved in BYUSA & Bradley. And I was a nobody in all of those. I couldn't imaging holding any position of authority.

And part of all of this introversion may be due to the fact that I lost practically all of my friends aside from my roommates {stupid missionaries}. 

I'm also seriously considering dropping my dance class. Like I told my roommates, I've never apologized more in a two-hour period than I did on Monday. I was embarrassed for myself and how sucky I was. And it's not even like I'm only struggling with the new dances. Yes Mambo is freakishly hard, but I struggled with Foxtrot too. Which I shouldn't. I've done that in two previous classes. Also the bruises and broken toenails are really painful and starting to annoy me. And I can't even blame those on anyone else because I'm the one that keeps getting underneath everyone's feet.

Part of me is afraid that I'm just quitting. Like, in all honesty, school isn't hard for me. It never has been. And I like it that way. But really, this class SUCKS. And I'm not good at it. And I feel like I won't be, no matter how hard I practice. Maybe if I stayed in the class, I'd get to be really good at some point and I'd be really happy as an amazing dancer. {But really, who would I dance with?? None of the average Joes I associate with actually get up to these levels} But maybe I'd get a C in the class and be the most miserable person there. And I hate that those are two very extreme endings.

Both my mom and dad said, pretty much word for word, "Well, if there's not some cute boy you're staying in the class for, I'd get out now." Ha.

My dad was much more understanding about my dropping the class than my mom was. I think my mom thinks I can still do this. She's always thought I was a beautiful dancer. Which is a lie and has been for the majority of my life.

Ha. Happy week everyone. Hope yours is going a lot better than mine. :/

Music Tuesday song this week is "Happiness" by The Fray.

I could listen to this song forever. It's so beautiful and it will always bring tears to my eyes. It's especially fitting for this week.

This week has sucked. And that's an understatement. So this song has been on repeat on my iTunes.

Please listen and love. If you don't love, please don't tell me. At least, wait till next week to tell me. I really don't need to hear it right now.

Shmanks.

My birthday was great, thanks for asking. :)

Except for now I'm 20. Which is weird. Actually, the only part of it that feels weird is the fact that I have to say I'm 20. Yep that felt weird to type too.

As for the actual birthday-day itself {no I did not stutter, that was for clarification}, it was totally fabulous. I went to work.

Okay that part wasn't fabulous, but just keep reading!

So I went to work, and I was wearing my brand-spankin-new birthday outfit and I looked adorable beyond belief. {As soon as Chantelly uploads her camera pictures, they'll be up here. Ohmygosh can't wAIT!} So then like an hour into my shift, Bryce walked in to the office!! He brought me BYU brownies {the best EVER} and we chatted for a few minutes. It was just really really sweet. Then like 10 minutes after he left, my friend Zack from our same dance class walked in!! He said that Bryce had called him yesterday, told him he was bringing me a birthday surprise at work and asked if Zack wanted to come with because he knew that Zack and I were super great friendlies. Unfortunately Zack was too late & Bryce had a class {that he ended up being 15 minutes late for all because he came to visit me}. It was soooooo wonderful though.

But so all day, I just looked adorable. I sat near Cute Boy in my Life #482 in my one of my classes {I'm not going to say "by" or "across from" because this blog is now open to that class. Sneaky sneaky...} My biology class was ridiculous, and my professor called on me when he asked if he had a favorite word. I said mine was doilie. He laughed. A lot. So did the rest of the 4790 people in the lecture hall. I felt special.

But Bryce. I keep flip flopping. And I hate that. I feel like if I'm leading him on this much, and he's bringing me brownies on my birthday and taking me grocery shopping, I really should, like, pursue something with him. Except I don't really want to... Ehhhhhhhh... I just feel like he's kind of boring for me. Like I could never see us hanging out at a party or in a big social group together. Which is what I hate about liking him. But he's really sweet and really attractive and I love talking to him. Mehhhhh.

I'm teaching the SS lesson on Sunday. Wish me luck.

Okay, so I totally forgot about Music Tuesday until like an hour ago when I went grocery shopping with Bryce. Yikes.

I'm still in love with Michael Bubbles' song {yes I did put Michael Bubbles on purpose}. So we're gonna go back to an old fave.
**PS Bryce and I were talking about favorite music videos, and I was talking about Taylor Swift's Love Story & You Belong with Me. He said his favorite was {get this} Haven't Met You Yet. Yes, it happened. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...

"Ghost" by Parachute is one of the most adorable songs I've ever heard... In a creepy kind of way. Kind of stalker-ish but I love it anyways.

And I'm in an adoring mood... Things with Bryce have become, um, interesting to say the least. I said in a previous post that I had given up on him & I wasn't going to like him... Yeah, that sort of changed on Sunday night. We just had good quality conversations. About practically everything under the sun. Just like our personalities and what we want in life and our families and such. He even started talking about how he is painfully shy a lot of times and he has to think about what he says before he says it {as I mentioned before...} I honestly just thought he struggled with words, but he was actually really cute about it. I don't know what makes admitting a flaw so cute, it just was. And he taught me how to play some chords on the guitar. Always a plus.

First day of classes were fab too. All my professors are hilarious, but Dance 380 is definitely going to be one of my hardest classes. That and Personal Finance. I don't do numbers.

And tomorrow's my birthday! so this is my last post as a teenager. Happy Birthday Me.

Happy 2010!! 


It's really odd to think about the beginning of last decade, 2000, with everyone freaking out about Y2K & exploding technology & stuff. Also I was 9. Weeeeeeeird.

But now my birthday is in 6 days. 6 more days of being a teenager. Well, I've technically been an adult for 2 years, but I'll be out of my "teens" anyways.

Except I went to the dermatologist the other day, & she said that people normally don't grow out of acne till they're 25! I canNOT wait another 5 years to get rid of this stuff. Not that it's horrific, just obnoxious. I'm so ready to be 25 now.

So my New Years Eve. Was weird to say the least. I spent the majority of the day with Sam, my last ex from high school. He had texted me right as I was driving out of Bako after Thanksgiving, asking if I wanted to hang out. Bad timing fo sho. But I said we'd do something over Christmas... So we did. Yesterday we went out to breakfast at Bagels & Blenders, saw that new movie Avatar, & hung out at his friend Javi's New Years Eve party.

I was seriously concerned about the whole event, but it actually turned out really well. It was odd at first, seeing him again after what? like a year and a half, but he looked exactly the same {good or bad, take it how you want}. It was hard to find things to talk about, but after a few minutes talking came easy again. It was good to chat with him, & see how he's doing, but I could tell that he's really lonely. He said, and I quote {or at least, sort of word for word}, "I don't really do much during the week & on weekends I go down to Castaic. It's pretty boring." I don't understand how you can be bored in college! That seems like an oxymoron to me. But staying in Bako after high school is a hard thing to do, especially if you're not in to the whole drugs & alcohol scene. He doesn't have a whole lot of friends either. Not good ones anyways. And he even said that, not me. His friends have always been flaky, & I think he's just now starting to see that. But he's a little too passive to do anything about it slash find any new friends. Not that there are very many to be found in Bako. You either hang out with people from high school {yuck} or find new friends that went to other high schools in Bako & are still living here {mostly druggies & drunks}{double yuck}. Most of the people that stay in Bakersfield have a problem. I think most of them are just homebodies though. Which is sad.

Bagels was splendid as usual. And Avatar was actually really good! I was surprised, because I initially had NO intention of even going to see this movie, the blue people/sci-fi/environmentalist junk kind of turned me off to it, but Sam insisted that I see it. He'd already seen it before, but it was that good he wanted to see it again. Or maybe he just went to force me to go. Either way, it was a good flick. I would recommend it to anyone. The theater we went to is the newest one in town, really clean & classy & huge! And the chairs reclined! Totally brill & wonderful for napping &/or movie watching. Not so wonderful for friendly chats 45 minutes before the movie started because we got there waaaaay too early. But we managed.

But at the New Years Party, the only reason I went was because Sam invited me. And I had absolutely nothing to do for New Years. 

I hate parties.

When I got there, they were playing Strip Poker {mmm goodyyyy...} & one girl I didn't know was down to her shirt {no bra, mind you} & undies. It ended shortly after that, thank goodness, but that girl seemed like kind of a slut anyways. Yes I'm judging, what else was I sposed to do?! My friend Jen Whitty was there too, & I hadn't seen her all break, so it was good to see her, even if she was borderline drunk.

Sam's stepbrothers were there too. I had a pleasant chat with the younger one as we both couldn't get cell service in the house & had to go outside to text. It was actually pretty funny. But while everyone else was drinking, playing beer pong or Twister, smoking weed {thank you California...}, hooking up with other people, I would sit on the couch. Most of the time Sam joined me. It was really nice not to be alone in that awful awkward situation. I hope he felt the same way. But I didn't want to go home because there were a bunch of grownups playing games at my house. As much as my mom said I was welcome to stay home with them for New Years, I would have felt even more out of place there.

With about 30 minutes to midnight, my friends Kjrstin & Theresa showed up from another party. KJ is a crazy party fiend, so I knew I wouldn't see much of her for the rest of the night, but Theresa is very much a non-partier like me so it was good to have her too. But she's really good at ignoring the fact that there's alcohol people are drunk, I'm not. She's around it more at Fresno State though I guess. So she was hanging out with the drunkies a lot more. By 11:45, we had a good group from high school, KJ, Theresa, me, Jennifer, Sara, Javi, Sam, Sam's stepbrother, & Sam's friend Vinny, that weren't too wasted {except Vinny was totally gone, we just talked to him because he was hilarious} & we had a good chat. The countdown itself was full of expletives & crudeness... Whatever, the whole party was. At midnight, more expletives were shouted & the make-outs began. I think Vinny made out with every girl at the party within 5 minutes after midnight, minus Theresa & I. I thought I saw him kissing some dude too.  Theresa & I just kept nervously laughing at everything. The mystery slut girl, the one who was bra-less in poker, was like beyond drunk. She tried to kiss Sam's very underaged stepbrother at one point & everyone at the party suddenly freaked out & stopped her. That was probably my favorite part of the night. But the weirdest part was at midnight, Sam & I both looked at each other from across the kitchen. If there hadn't been crazy make-outs going on between us, I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me. And I might have kissed him back. Because, I'm sorry, everyone wants a New Years' kiss. I've had two boyfriends, and one, uh, Winter break hookup, and I've never had a New Years' kiss. But I told myself, before we even went on our, uh, date? that day to the movie, that I would not, under any circumstances, kiss him. I just don't need that kind of drama in my life, and neither does he. He doesn't need to be dreaming about a girl going to school 500 miles away while he's bored out of his mind in Bako. Because I know he will. And it will suck for both of us.

I left about 20 minutes after midnight. I hugged all my friends goodbye & walked out the back door. When I got out there, I saw Sam had gone through the front door to answer a call & was standing near my car. By the time I got to my car, he had finished his call {ehhhh tricky tricky tricky...}. He hugged me again, but lingered this time in like a half-hug, just looking down at my face. Pretty sure he wanted to kiss me then too. {And if I seem a little overconfident about all these potential kissing situations, I'm not. I dated the dude for nine months, I think I'm allowed to know some of these things.} He said we should hang out again before I left, but if he didn't see me again, he wished me good luck at school. I said I'd see what I was doing over the next two days and maybe give him a call. But in all honesty, Brayden's getting baptized on Saturday, I still have to pack & clean my house for our extended family, & see about 40 other friends before I leave. Although it was nice to see him again and I knew I probly should give him a call, it just wasn't going to happen.

... But he left his jacket in my truck. Plan to force me to see him again? I think so.