That's it. SO much to do and I just wanted to be distracted for a minute.
But while I'm distracted, let's make a list of everything I have to get done in the next less-than-two weeks.
1) Do 10000 extra credit assignments for Psychology/Music 202/Government. Be a test subject, go to the MOA, go to Easter Conferences, write papers, etc.
2) Read this DUMB chapter for Government. I was super proud of myself because I read it yesterday (or, so I thought) but then I looked again and I read the WRONG chapter. So 50+ pages of my life wasted, and 40+ pages still to go.
3) Take a test. for Religion. Not too hard, but I still have to study.
4) START studying for said test.
5) Start studying for another test next week in Music 202. Aka start listening to a ton of strange 1900s classical music that just sounds like ugly screeching cars to me.
6) Start studying for my zillion finals. Actually four, but I still should have been studying a looong time ago.
7) Figure out when all the review sessions for these finals are going to be and somehow work them in to this schedule.

Things I got done/Fun things in my life
1) Divine Comedy/Pizza Party tomorrow night for all BYUSA volunteers! :)
2) I bought an Easter dress and white heels! Go Easter!

Just add a cute white shrug sweater and brand-spankin' new white heels. :)
3) I watched Prince Caspian (aka Kenna's new boyfriend hahaha) with Ross. It was fun/funny. I forgot how much I liked that movie. And we ate chicken noodle soup/macaroni and cheese for lunch/dinner (linner? dunch?). In other words, he ate chicken noodle soup and my leftover macaroni.
4) I went to a bomb-awesome (can I say "bawesome"? I feel like that should be a word) devo this morning. BYU Combined Choirs performed. Uh. Maze. Ing.
5) Went to one review session :) Only a katrillion more to go.
6) Yesterday I went to this fireside for severely elderly people. And it was the FUNNIEST thing I've ever been to in my entire life. So many great great great old ladies with the best, randomest comments. Seriously, when I grow up I want to be a senial tiny old lady with no cares in the world and obsess over gypsies.
7) Got a new swimsuit!! My mom found it, and sent it to me in my enormous Easter Basket!! :) AKA- if anyone finds a reason to go to the Hot Springs, PLEASE let me know, kay?

Things I wish I was doing
1) Homework (well, not wishing I was doing it, but wishing it was done. But I don't even have that much.)
2) Playing with my family at the beach. Even if it is raining. And I DESPERATELY want to play horseshoes with AJ! :(
3) Eating dinner. Because I ate at like 3pm which was my lunch and now I'm starving again but have an appetite for nothing.
4) Playing in general. Or singing in a car somewhere. Or shopping.
5) Listening to the "Journey Bible" that Aubre let me borrow yesterday that I stupidly left in her car. Saddest thing EVER.
6) Dancing at Studio 600. Because tonight was FREE but it was only country dancing (bleh) so we didn't go.
7) Ummmmmmmm.... cuddling. But that sounds dumb.

So Sunday night, I deleted someone's phone number. Yes, I never EVER thought I would resort to it, but I did.
It wasn't like I was mad or angry or frustrated with them, I was more upset at mySELF for still talking to them when I knew I shouldn't or I knew he wouldn't want me to.
Yes, he
Of course it was a boy, why else would I do it?!
So he's a really cute boy. And he'll go nameless for a while. C, don't you DARE comment on this. (AKA C knows everything about this already. Actually, all my roommates do) But I felt like I was being totally and absolutely annoying about everything. Like he didn't really want to talk to me. Which he probably didn't (and still maybe doesn't) but he's too nice not to. I got my hopes up for this boy and now, when he goes on dates with other girls, I get sad?! Who do I think I am?! Seriously. We were nothing. I'm probably still nothing to him. Maybe no more than a friend. Maybe not even that. Who knows. Who cares. Not him.

And here I am. Sitting in the library. With him.
What. The. Heck. Am. I. Doing.
Obviously he's not reading this post.

But C helped me do it. She went through my call list and my outbox (something I unintentionally forgot to do) and deleted him from there as well. Smart move C.

and then it happened.
He texted me this afternoon.
And now I'm sitting here. In the library. While he's writing a paper and I'm writing a paper and neither of us is talking even though we're in the No-Shh Zone.
Stu.Pid. Me.
I hate this.
How do you fall out of "like", MB?
Because I would really truly love to know.

Theme soooooooooooong!
Basically anything by Journey. C and I have been joking lately that Journey is taking over Siberia. We've seriously had an obsession.
Or "For Me This is Heaven" by Jimmy Eat World. Not appropriate in any way shape or form.
I am raaaaaaaaaaaambling.
Lo siento.

Weirdest dream EVER. This happened like 2 weeks ago.
So I was auditioning for the School of Dance at BYU in this dance studio. My mom was there trying to help me and coach me and such. I couldn’t do much, considering I haven’t danced in FOREVER. Like seriously danced anyway, like ballet-style. But I didn’t do ballet anymore so I had on Jazz pants and jazz shoes instead of ballet shoes and a leotard/tights. I was almost physically incapable of pointing my foot. Which was weird.
So then Josh was there…. Auditioning for the School of Magic (?!?) at BYU. Yeah, since we have one of those…. As I’m trying to practice for the audition, Josh grabbed my hand while I’m doing a pirouette and spins me forever. But somehow it worked, and it looked cool.
So we ended up auditioning together… Since magic and dance coincide for some reason… Whatever. And I think I was daydreaming in my dream because then we flashed forward like 10 years in the future where Josh was this amazing famous magician and I was his assistant, but I was like ballerina-ing across the stage while he was doing magic tricks.

Then, as part of the audition maybe, the ballerinas were asked to pose like different Neoclassical statues. I posed like this statue of Mary that (in my dream) I recognized and knew, but now that I think about it, there are zero statues like that I remember from my humanities and music 202 classes. And apparently I was super flexible because I could do all these great things and poses. And I was a significantly better dancer in my dream. Like, even when I messed up or wasn’t as good as the others, I could still make it look good and clean and artistic.
So then the audition ended, and Josh started walking away with this man that looked like Stromboli from Pinocchio, but he was like the master magician and Josh was his apprentice.
And that was it. Weird, huh? I told K and C about it. It was just funny to think of Josh as a magician.


So dream number 2. This one happened last night.
So that TV show "House", that I have never seen in my life, yeah I was in it. It was like my life. So I had this hole in my arm that looked like I'd just had a blood test or donated blood, but it never went away, and I constantly had to wear one of those colored tape things around my arm holding a cotton swab there to keep it from bleeding all the time. So Dr. House came and looked at it, and told his assistant/nurse person that there was something he could try, but that I wouldn't like it. He was going to "vaccinate me to death", but then hopefully it wouldn't really kill me.

Then jump forward to like the streets of New York where Ross had to find my crazy zoologist uncle and get a stuffed animal koala bear and bring it to me so that I wouldn't die. Jump back to the hospital- so I was laying on this operating table, and they would give me a shot in the hole-in-my-arm, and then have me read this card out loud to see if I could still function or whatever. Except my voice sounded like Anne Hathaway's... Outside of my room, my sister, aka Jenessa from my ward (what the heck?!) was just like chillin' waiting for Ross to come with the koala plushie. After like 10+ shots, my mouth started to droop on one side and I couldn't control it, kind of like novacaine. Everyone started to freak out and hook me up to all these machines so I wouldn't die... Then Ross showed up with the stuffed koala and all was well again. Except I still sounded like Anne Hathaway. And then Ross was like holding hands and canoodling with my sister/Jenessa and I was really really sad. Like crying status. Then in my head I was thinking like, "what the heck, why did I ever think I had a chance with him?! I should have guessed he was in love with Jenessa this whole time." Even when I woke up, I was thinking that, like super depressed and being sad that Ross loved Jenessa and not me (LOL).

And that was it. Actually, that's not it, I've had weirdish dreams like this for the past like week and a half. In one of them I was like on The Amazing Race/Endurance (hahaha Jaime!! our favorite show!) or something along those lines. Don't really remember that one though. But seriously. They're weeeeeird.

So things are looking up. :)

Valentine's Day was really great. So what if I didn't have a significant other to spend it with?! K was my date (aside from the fact that she has a long-distance bf... Psssh) So pretty much all day I did homework (bleck) until that night when K made Fettuchini with broccoli and chicken. It was divine. Then we, as in me, K, MC, and her date-for-the-day Matt, went to the RHA Dance at the Wilk for all the on-campus housing residents and it was SOOO much fun! We got there, and I found Logan, who doesn't even go to BYU, he just happened to be walking through the Wilk. He came in with us, but then we lost him after like the first 30 minutes or so. Which was sad. Then K went to go eat the yummylicious food that they had in the Garden Room. They had like croissant sandwiches, chocolate fountain, cheesecake, pie in this cookie sheet thing, tons of little fruits and veggies, all kinds of great things.

But I'd come there to dance and that was what I was gonna do. I found MC and Matt and Thane and Dustin (RA) and Carrie Carlson and Elise and Cici and Gracie and Katie and Rachel and danced with them for a while. Then I saw Chase and Collin, Josh's California friends from Helaman. They came over and danced with us for a while too. About 20 minutes after that, Josh and Josh and Andrew showed up! I was pretty surprised because Josh told me they weren't going to come, but apparently their apartment had been taken over by the Warren/H/Chris/Cammie date and it was severely awkward for them just walking around their house. That totally made my night because I love hanging out with those boys! They're just so fun! It definitely made up for the loss of Logan.K eventually came back from eating (lol) and came and danced with us too. So then I ended up slow dancing with Josh and Josh (haha it's funny when they're both together) and Collin, but the fast songs were just so much more fun. It was just one big group hangout. Kinda like old times. We were just missing Chris and Kevin and Heidi and C. But it was still great.

Afterwards, Josh and Josh and Andrew came over to play my new game of Clue. It was SO funny. We had like 25 minutes to play by the time we figured out the new rules, so it was like super-speed-Clue. And we still didn't finish. But Josh (Schmidt) kept on talking in a British accent and making strange faces which was totally hilarious. My favorite part was him talking about the ax (a new weapon in the new version of Clue), except he'd say "ox" because he was trying to be British. After he left, K and I were just laughing our heads off and we were planning to make an ox out of our FHE playdoh for him, but then we forgot. The boys came over the next day too and we ended up playing three rounds of Clue. One of which I won! which never ever ever happens, especially with these people, they're too brilliant. Then we kept eating the candy we had lying around the house and Josh ended up being SOOOO hyper. Then Josh and Josh started imitating the pictures on my Twilight calendar and being superheroes and 'pothead's. It was kind of ridiculous, but just what I needed. I've been entirely too stressed lately.

















Oh!!! And I got a Valentine's Day card from Brayden. :) My mom wanted me to post pictures to
show that he actually is a human being and not a devil child.

Theme song!!! "I'm Not Over" by Carolina Liar
hahaha greatest song EVER.

The worst part of this whole experience is disappointment. And change. The combination of the two is just murder.
Great way to start out the semester, huh? Psh. Yeah.

I think..... I think I'm really good at not crying when it's really important to me. For example- I didn't cry at all when James broke up with me. Which is weird because that was by far the saddest I ever was in high school. Now, the saddest thing that's happened to me in college and I didn't shed one tear. Kind of annoying if you ask me. I just didn't think about it. At all. Which simply can't be healthy. I think if I sat down and really thought about everything going on in my life right now, I would probably cry for days. But I'm just physically not letting myself do it. Which makes me want to cry even more.

I told my friend the other day, I feel like everything I built up last semester, certain friendships, skills, studying habits, eating habits, everything is just falling apart around me. And I miss it like CRAAAAZY. I just want things to go back to the way they were last semester. Life was beyond perfect- and I took it for granted. Totally didn't know how good I had it. And now it STINKS.

I can't think of one part of my life that isn't confusing right now. Mmmmm.... actually, that's a lie. My testimony, the church, my calling, those kinda things. And C. She's always there. I couldn't imagine her not being there. Thank goodness I have a constant in my life. Otherwise I might go crazy. Or die like Desmond almost did and Charlotte's going to. lol "Lost" reference...

Just remind me every once in a while that change isn't such a bad thing. Last night I had a fabulous time hanging out with totally new people. As much as I sometimes refuse to believe it, there are new boys in my life. Incredibly attractive ones at that. I had an intense convo with E about marriage and dating and funny things like that. We have a new president. I eat... salad? Change won't kill me, and I forget that

But some things have changed for the worse- that can't be denied. Friends I never thought I'd part with are basically nonexistant in my life now. Friends I thought I wouldn't see for a long time suddenly jumped back in to my life and made things SO complicated. But that's not really such a bad thing either, I just wish the situation were different... Like I wish he were here. I desperately wish he were here. But that's just not possible.

I keep thinking about Rafiki in Lion King. "It doesn't matter, it's in the past!... Aaah yes, de past can hurt, but you can either run from it, or, learn from it!" I think that's what I need to do, not run from this, or, I guess, run back to it and try to desperately hold on to what I had, but learn from this. Move on, and love life just the same as before. At least, pretend I do. Ha. Pretend. My biggest weakness. I STINK at pretending. But for the sake of this blog, I will try. Very... very hard.

Theme song- Heartbreak World by Matt Nathanson :)

So I just woke up from the longest nap in the history of naps.

Good morning. :)


I edited the layout of my blog. I hope everyone likes it. Not that anyone other than me ever reads this lol.
And Happy New Year. 2009 has been pretty fantastic so far. Eventful things thus far- 1) I got a free one-month-trial of Netflix. Yesterday alone we watched three movies. 2) I turned 19. WHOA. Weird and scary and OLD. 3) I cut my hair. Significantly shorter than its ever been before. Just to my shoulders when it's straight, shorter than that when curly. 4) I came back to BYU for my 2nd Semester of a university experience. It's been great so far. And I still love my roommates.
New Years Resolutions:
1) Exercise. Typical I know but I still suck at it. Thank you roommates for helping me out on this one.
2) Plan better FHE activities. Include everyone, have meaningful lessons and activities, etc.
3) Attend the temple once a week. So far I'm not doing well on this one either.
4) Straight As and A-s. Again
5) Eat healthier
6) Read more for fun, not school.
7) Be more tolerant and patient and accepting of things that I think are stupid.
8) Be less of a Green-Eyed Monster. And I'm failing miserably at this one
9) Stick to my word. Don't be a flake.
10) Write in my journal/blog more often. :) Considering it's the 10th and my first post of the year, I'd say this one isn't working so well yet either.

There are others, but those are the ones I felt safe posting. And it helps if I can see them on a regular basis too, rather than my other conspicuously hidden paper with the rest of my goals.

Don't judge me, but the new favorite song of right now is "I Wanna Have Your Babies" by Natasha Bedingfield. I'm not a slut, I promise, it's a funny song, not meant to be bad at all.

Sometimes, sorry just doesn't cut it.
As much as a person can care,
Often times they fall short...


When all our tears begin to flow,
behind closed eyes and walled emotion,
more fragile than the wintering sky and snow,
a kind of peace and twisted devotion.

I bruise easily, ability is key.
Leaving you is the hardest price to pay.
When I'm gone and you're gone, blind eyes might see
the piercing wound that grows each day.

After all this time, you open your eyes
to the gem you wasted and thrown aside.
As something inside both of us dies,
you honestly believe this won't subside.

Do you remember to a time when we were just friends?
Could anything more become a means to an end?

I wish I could have the same hope you do...
As much as I want to,
Optimism just doesn't come easily for me.
And I'm sorry.