The worst part of this whole experience is disappointment. And change. The combination of the two is just murder.
Great way to start out the semester, huh? Psh. Yeah.

I think..... I think I'm really good at not crying when it's really important to me. For example- I didn't cry at all when James broke up with me. Which is weird because that was by far the saddest I ever was in high school. Now, the saddest thing that's happened to me in college and I didn't shed one tear. Kind of annoying if you ask me. I just didn't think about it. At all. Which simply can't be healthy. I think if I sat down and really thought about everything going on in my life right now, I would probably cry for days. But I'm just physically not letting myself do it. Which makes me want to cry even more.

I told my friend the other day, I feel like everything I built up last semester, certain friendships, skills, studying habits, eating habits, everything is just falling apart around me. And I miss it like CRAAAAZY. I just want things to go back to the way they were last semester. Life was beyond perfect- and I took it for granted. Totally didn't know how good I had it. And now it STINKS.

I can't think of one part of my life that isn't confusing right now. Mmmmm.... actually, that's a lie. My testimony, the church, my calling, those kinda things. And C. She's always there. I couldn't imagine her not being there. Thank goodness I have a constant in my life. Otherwise I might go crazy. Or die like Desmond almost did and Charlotte's going to. lol "Lost" reference...

Just remind me every once in a while that change isn't such a bad thing. Last night I had a fabulous time hanging out with totally new people. As much as I sometimes refuse to believe it, there are new boys in my life. Incredibly attractive ones at that. I had an intense convo with E about marriage and dating and funny things like that. We have a new president. I eat... salad? Change won't kill me, and I forget that

But some things have changed for the worse- that can't be denied. Friends I never thought I'd part with are basically nonexistant in my life now. Friends I thought I wouldn't see for a long time suddenly jumped back in to my life and made things SO complicated. But that's not really such a bad thing either, I just wish the situation were different... Like I wish he were here. I desperately wish he were here. But that's just not possible.

I keep thinking about Rafiki in Lion King. "It doesn't matter, it's in the past!... Aaah yes, de past can hurt, but you can either run from it, or, learn from it!" I think that's what I need to do, not run from this, or, I guess, run back to it and try to desperately hold on to what I had, but learn from this. Move on, and love life just the same as before. At least, pretend I do. Ha. Pretend. My biggest weakness. I STINK at pretending. But for the sake of this blog, I will try. Very... very hard.

Theme song- Heartbreak World by Matt Nathanson :)

So I just woke up from the longest nap in the history of naps.

Good morning. :)


I edited the layout of my blog. I hope everyone likes it. Not that anyone other than me ever reads this lol.
And Happy New Year. 2009 has been pretty fantastic so far. Eventful things thus far- 1) I got a free one-month-trial of Netflix. Yesterday alone we watched three movies. 2) I turned 19. WHOA. Weird and scary and OLD. 3) I cut my hair. Significantly shorter than its ever been before. Just to my shoulders when it's straight, shorter than that when curly. 4) I came back to BYU for my 2nd Semester of a university experience. It's been great so far. And I still love my roommates.
New Years Resolutions:
1) Exercise. Typical I know but I still suck at it. Thank you roommates for helping me out on this one.
2) Plan better FHE activities. Include everyone, have meaningful lessons and activities, etc.
3) Attend the temple once a week. So far I'm not doing well on this one either.
4) Straight As and A-s. Again
5) Eat healthier
6) Read more for fun, not school.
7) Be more tolerant and patient and accepting of things that I think are stupid.
8) Be less of a Green-Eyed Monster. And I'm failing miserably at this one
9) Stick to my word. Don't be a flake.
10) Write in my journal/blog more often. :) Considering it's the 10th and my first post of the year, I'd say this one isn't working so well yet either.

There are others, but those are the ones I felt safe posting. And it helps if I can see them on a regular basis too, rather than my other conspicuously hidden paper with the rest of my goals.

Don't judge me, but the new favorite song of right now is "I Wanna Have Your Babies" by Natasha Bedingfield. I'm not a slut, I promise, it's a funny song, not meant to be bad at all.

Sometimes, sorry just doesn't cut it.
As much as a person can care,
Often times they fall short...


When all our tears begin to flow,
behind closed eyes and walled emotion,
more fragile than the wintering sky and snow,
a kind of peace and twisted devotion.

I bruise easily, ability is key.
Leaving you is the hardest price to pay.
When I'm gone and you're gone, blind eyes might see
the piercing wound that grows each day.

After all this time, you open your eyes
to the gem you wasted and thrown aside.
As something inside both of us dies,
you honestly believe this won't subside.

Do you remember to a time when we were just friends?
Could anything more become a means to an end?

I wish I could have the same hope you do...
As much as I want to,
Optimism just doesn't come easily for me.
And I'm sorry.

So I'll post more later... when these silly boys finally respond. But right now they're unscrambling it so I'll forgive them.

So Chantelle and I just asked Chris and Josh to Preference next week. Just to clarify- I asked Josh. She asked Chris. Just so there is zero confusion. The original plan was to put saran wrap over their door, like on the door frame so it would make a pocket in between the door and the saran wrap, and fill the pocket with popcorn. We also made a word puzzle (basically we just wrote out "Pop to Preference with me?" on little squares of paper, one letter per paper) and scattered those in the popcorn.
Except things never happen the way I want them too. We got there, and Chantelle noticed that their front door opens out not in, so instead of the popcorn falling in on them when they opened the door, they would just be saran wrapped in their apartment. So we went to look at the back door- same thing. So C had the brilliant idea of just throwing the paper and popcorn on the floor. And that's exactly what we did.
It's been over an hour, and they're just now figuring it out. I feel kind of bad, I hope they didn't have a ton of homework to do today. And we left a buttload of popcorn all over their Makeout Room floor. Whoops.
Oh. We did put a sign on their back door that said "To: Christopher Thomas Burns and Joshua Edward Schmidt". And just to throw Chris off, we threw "-MC" and the letters spelling "Just kidding" in the popcorn with the real messages. Chris is like morbidly afraid that MC is going to ask him. It was really mean and terrible for us to do, but absolutely hilarious too.
Shortly after they got it, I got a text from Chris saying, "Ok so far i have trim hope coin fester prep chew. somehow I just don't think that's it. i'll keep working".
I also got a picture text a little while ago from Josh asking if his phrase was anything close to the picture. The picture was his letters spelling out "Prop 8? -Haley". I DIED laughing. So did Chantelly. It was especially funny because yesterday he and I went to the Prop 8 call center over by University Mall and had a terrible experience– we called San Francisco. I know right? Death. And much cussing.
I think they're still working on MC's green phrase. I feel bad that it took this long. Next time, I'll know better. Sorry boys.

"Girls are invisible in this game."
But my dear friend- do you truly believe it?
With a closed mind and heart,
Your world only appears in blinding shades of pink.
Rose blossom blush salmon raspberry fuchsia coral magenta cherry.
Deception I admire. Deceit so honest, so true, so complete.
Your eyes lie low.
Why obsess in sticky sweet bubblegum
When there is so much green to be lived.
And loved.

I can't see your world...
It is what you make it- exactly as you want it to be.
Prim and proper, practically perfect in every way.
But does your ate also keep you ignorant and isolated?
Playing Hide and Seek
But where are we?
What is going on?
You don't care a bit.
You won't catch me around here.

Patiently I play along
Impatiently I wait for you to catch up.
To open your eyes
A New Day Has Come.
You are the only one blind enough to ignore it.
Your actions speak louder than your words.
But can you dance to your own rhythm?

Is it selfish to only want to hang out with some people and not to hang out with others? Seriously, like, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to hang out with certain people, but then there are other people that I could sit around at talk to or hang out with all day. Is that ridiculous? or mean? I don't know how I feel about that. I wish I could just want to hang out with everyone always, but it just doesn't work that way. There are some people I just feel more comfortable around and people I have more fun with. And I love them. And I just want to hang out with them all the time, no one else. But it is pretty selfish just to want them for myself I guess. I wish everyone weren't so busy all the time. This sounds like complete infatuation. It's sincerely not. It's friendship, but it's more than that too. They're like my family.


"The Pros and Cons of Breathing" © MC

Definition: Stress, busy, worry, tired,
Lack of sleep, lack of interest, lack of time,
Surplus of money. It's all too much.
Key holes, potholes, mountains, and football,
Shells in white cheddar with blue satin sashes.
Snowflakes that loom and bring fear and loud crashes.

Definition: Almost, so very close to everything I've wanted to become,
Everything you needed me to be, everyone is watching now.
As it shatters in to a hundred thousand pieces
Upon moochers and angels and demons and rock stars.
The light slowly creeps through what used to exist
In the Land of Plenty, no milk, no honey,
No waves or ocean breeze or sunset remains.

Definition: Painful, almost deteriorating,
In and out, up and down, Hot and Cold,
Wishing... hoping.... praying..... waiting.
Sabotage never seemed to promising.
If bruises mean joy, blisters and bleeding
Love in all its worst forms becomes bitterly apparent with you around.

Definition: Families Can Be Together Forever
But this family ends when the trees are silenced.
If you could only see.
I've altered pictures and included myself
In all the best and worst ways You've altered my life.

Definition: Selfish.
Concept: If actions speak louder than words, you should have heard me by now.

Okay so yesterday morning we, as in me, C, H, MC, and Josh, went to the Provo Temple to do baptisms. My cousin Emmaleigh met us there because she lives like 3 1/2 steps away from the temple. It was a really cool experience. First of all, I've never lived this close to any temple, so only walking thirty minutes was nice. Second, I've never just gone to the temple on my own- we always went as a ward or had an appointment. So we kind of wait for like an hour and a half in between the confirmations and the actual baptisms. And poor Josh.... Because there were so few guys there, he was just pulled from out of the line and was baptized almost an hour before we went. And he waited, in the back of the room, all by himself, for us. Awesome huh?
It seems like anytime I go to the temple, I always pay more attention to the names of the people we're doing work for than anything else. Like, I noticed that C was confirmed for a girl with the last name "Delgado", which, from my many years of spanish training (haha ya right four years of high school spanish doesn't teach you ANYTHING), I knew meant "skinny". Which I still think is a funny last name. And one of the ladies I was confirmed for had like six names, one of which was "Corazon de Jesus Cristo" (translated to mean Heart of Jesus Christ), which I thought was kind of cool. And one of the two (yes only two) women I was baptized for was named Elizabeth Watson. I don't know why I remember that one.... Pretty generic name if you ask me. But it stuck with me.
The whole time during the confirmations, I kept thinking about my grandpa. Thinking about how maybe he is teaching these people that I'm doing work for about the gospel right at this very moment. Kind of cool to think about. But I miss him. A lot. I know Friday is going to be really hard for me. I can't even think about it right now.
On a lighter note, last night we, as in me, K, Josh, Chris, and Kevin, went to Brick Oven for dinner last night. It was uh-maze-ing! Soooo good. And just way good to feel like I was actually outside of my little bubble that is BYU life, even if we were still on campus. Seriously, that was the first time that I've ventured outside of my square of campus from like the Conference Center to the Clyde Building to the Cannon Center to the Testing Center. Sad. But it was really fun. We walked past Rape Hill and made jokes about it all night. Then, when Chris left his pizza on our table after we left, and he went back and got it, he was all 'concerned' that we didn't go in with him and said he got raped (TOTALLY as a joke guys). Then I said, "c'mon guys! we're not even at Rape Hill yet!" and just as I said that, a group of like 6 or 7 other people came in the restaurant and were laughing their heads off at what I said. Taken out of context it would have sounded SO bad, which is probably why they were laughing. So it's on our quote wall now. :)
So about my eating habits, which is where the first part of my title of this post comes it. We eat strange things around this apartment. Like, I eat Pasta-Roni for almost every meal. It's that good. And cheap! Or soup. It seems like I always have endless amounts of soup in my cupboard, and it never goes away!! But Kenna and I bought these really amazing Keebler cookies. She got regular striped kind, but I got these heavenly Fudge Shoppe Caramel Filled ones (I'm looking at the box right now). They're only half way gone because I ration them every day. And Wheat Thins. I eat about 7 everyday because they make my breath smell bad because they're Parmesian Basil flavored so they're lasting me forever. And C.... She eats Goldfish. Probably like a box every day or two. I introduced her to Tomato Soup and Goldfish the other day and I still think she owes me big time because she eats that more than anything else. Except maybe Easy Mac or Spaghettios.H drinks milk like nobody's business. She literally goes through a gallon a week (or faster). And lemon yogurt. Which is weird. K eats lots of potatoes. Like she puts them in everything. Usually with corn and some sort of meat. And ketchup lol. But only when Kevin is around. MC eats lots of Mexican food and eggs. And she is veeeery particular about her ranch dressing. She won't have anything other than Hidden Valley. Personally I can't tell the difference, but whatever, I've got my own so I use that. And I don't even think they sell Hidden Valley at the Creamery.... E.... umm..... she makes lots of dessets or breakfast foods. And she cooks when her friends are over a lot. Which is fun for her and us and them. I eat lots of corn. At one point I had six cans of corn in my cupboard (no I didn't actually buy that much, Heidi didn't want hers because she said she'd never eat it). Now I think I'm down to two.
Longest post ever. Sorry. Kind of random. I'll post more frequently I promise. But in all honesty, I wish this was more private. I kind of have a lot to say about some other certain subjects that I'm sure you could guess and I'm sure my roommates could tell you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall about. But I'm not going to for fear of certain people finding it. :P
College theme songs! (not even because they apply to my life right now, just because we sing them. Aaaaaaaall the time.) "Do You Know" by Enrique Iglesias and "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay